Tech Talk Thursday: Tech Reviews: Transformers The Last Knight

Explosions   ✔
Eye Candy  ✔
Sexual innuendos ✔
More Explosions  ✔

Everything needed for a Michael Bay Movie: Bayformers a bad movie in disguise.  We again get another movie about humans surrounded by explosions and sexual tension with the occasional appearance by a giant alien robot.

Transformers, more than meets the eye.  Transformers Robots in disguise. Except for when Michael Bay gets a hold of them, then their giant generic robots who are minor characters in their on movie.  You think by movie number five something would change or get better, that you wouldn't get the same movie as the four before it, but alas, Bay has a formula and he sticks to it.

The Plot  The same as the four before it

We start in the past in a war with non other than King Arthur and his Knights; Lancelot and all them in a war that they clearly can't win.  Oh, but King Arthur is like; we got this, we just have to hold on until Merlin the magician comes.  Arthur's knights say Merlin is a liar, a trickster, and doesn't know real magic and that he is just a drunk.. Absurd! Not the most powerful wizard in history right?  Well turns out the Knights were right. We see Merlin elsewhere drinking from a flask, drunk going to some cave talking to himself.   I know what you are thinking.  What does this have to do with transformers?  Yea, I asked myself that too while watching... Anyway Merlin his hit against the cave by a transformer a Cybertonian Knight.  Is he the last? No. Merlin pleads that he help them and save Camelot.  So the Knight gives Merlin a staff that wields ultimate power... Yes, Merlin got his staff and power from a transformer.  Not only did he get the staff but their are 12 knights, yes 12 see he is not the last and they can all combine to form the three headed dragon Dragonstorm.  Merlin and Dragonstorm come to the aid of King Author and his Knights and easily take out their adversaries, creating the legend....

Back to the present on Earth.  You would think it would be all good, but no.  The transformers have become outcast and the government hunts them; calling themselves the TRF Transformers Reaction Force.  Its members?  Josh Duhmael and Tyrese are back not having been seen since the 3rd generic movie... Wait...wait... that's not Tyrese... In action, he kind of looks like him, but he doesnt talk as much and he only has a few lines....

Anyway, Transformers have been constantly falling to Earth hunted by the TRF.  Oh, but Marky Mark is back and is hiding out with the auto and dino bots in a junk yard.    He bursts on the scene with Bumblebee after rescuing some Nickelodeon actors, I mean kids from a TRF Walker drone.  One a girl who is a survivor of the attack on Chicago in the previous movie who has befriended a little robot Squeaks and a big guy named Canopy.  Canopy dies and Marky Mark or Cade finds a Cybertonian Knight who gives him a talisman that he claims will protect him.  In the Shadows we see the police car Decepticon Baricade telling Megatron what he saw.

Remember the end of Transformers Age of  Extinction? Don't worry most people probably don't.  We see Optimus go into space to meet his makers warning them the he is coming and to leave Earth alone. Well it seems Cybertron has been coming toward Earth and Optimus meets his maker, Quintessa, but his threats go down the toilet when she back hands him into submission telling him for Cybertron to live, Earth must die.  With a new red streak on his face an purple eyes from the slap from Quintessa, Optimus bows to find the ultimate weapon that will destroy Earth and save Cybertron.  Oh, enjoy Optimus while you can here, because you won't see him again for another two and half hours...

So, the TRF also learn about the weapon that can bring back Cybertron and destroy Earth so they go to of all transformers Megatron for help in finding the weapon and in a Suicide Squad style Montage Megatron requests the aid of Decepticons that the TRF have in uh robot jail.   Some Decepticons are deemed too dangerous or not generic enough, but Megatron gets, with freeze frame and name splash, Onslaught, Mohawk, Nitro and Dreadbot... I don't even know why I  or this movie listed their names. They are not shown much and you will forget about them anyway.

The orphan girl, Izabella sneaks a ride back to the junkyard where the Dinobots; Grimlock, Slug, Swoop and their babies... I guess it was their babies, it was mini versions of them...anyway and Autobots: Bubmebee, Hound, Drift, Crosshairs, Wheelie have all been chillin and hiding out since that last generic movie with Cade and the Carmichael shows Carmichael.  The Suicide Squad... I mean Megatron and the Decepticons attack; all of them die except for Megatron, Baricade, and Nitro... see told you their was no point in showing their names.  Cade is then approached by C3PO... no kidding his name is Cogman, but hey even one of the autobots ask who is this discount C3PO is...Anyway, Cogman is a headmaster Anthony Hopkins.... Now what convinced him to be in this movie?

Now you would think we would get some more robot action, but no we see a woman (the eye candy) playing Polo.  She is Oxford professor Vivian Wemble and she is then kidnapped by autobot favorite form the cartoon, Hot Rod.  Don't get excited this is not the Hot Rod you know and love.  He has a French accent and works for the the English lord Anthony Hopkins or as he is in the movie Sir Edmund Burton.  Now why did he bring Vivian and Cade to him? Well he is the last of the Witwiccan Order , a secret organization that has been keeping the history of the transformers over the years, a group that consisted of the likes of Fredrick Douglas  and....and.... Michael Bay...  So, wait does that mean Shia is dead or did his family just have a similar name... eh doesn't matter...    

Ok, so it turns out that Vivian is the last descendant of Merlin and only she can get the staff and stop Cybertron from coming to Earth and the last Knight... .No it's not a transformer, but good ol Marky Mark himself Cade.  The two find the staff and Vivian activates it causing mechanical horns to rise from the Earth... Now this is this is the kicker, the reason transformers have been falling the Earth, why Cybertron is on a collision course with Earth.... Earth is actually Unicron.  Yes, Unicron the transformer devil himself that is the size of a planet.  Don't get excited, all you see of him is horns rising from the Earth...

Anywho, they are attacked by one of the Cybertonian Knights.  The TRF intervenes and kills the Knight. Then enters Optimus Prime now known as Nemesis Prime.  Nice of him to show up at the end of the movie... Anyway, Optimus takes the staff to restore Cybertron.  We then get a nice fight between Bumblebee and Optimus.  Optimus basically is ripping Bumblebee apart and just as he is about to kill him Bumblebee speaks; and no not in some radio voice, we hear the real Bumblebee saying what I guess is still a recorded line about how it is an honor to follow Optimus and that he would die for him.  More Cybertonian Knights appear ready to kill Optimus for his betrayal, but in steps Cade... The talisman.... It morphs into King Arthur's legendary sword Excalibur causing the Knights to yield to him.  Cade then tells Optimus to get up and to fight and protect the Earth.

Meanwhile, Megatron, Nitro, and Baricade work with Quintessa at Stone Hinge to bring back Cybertron.  The TRF intervene and lord Burton starts to fire at Megatron who without Malice blasts him with his hand cannon.  Then the TRF and Autobots team up to go to Cybertron get Vivian to the staff.  For some odd reason Izabella tags along with Squeaks who has a heroic moment in destroying the turret. The TRF bails since Optimus is again missing  and the get new orders to leave after placing a targeted strike that some scientist said would work instead of believing in a magic staff. Vivian and Cade stay vowing to complete the mission.  Optimus finally shows up riding Dragronstorm.  Where was he and why was he late, was the turret keeping him away... or did he just have to have his heroic moment?  Anyway they battle and defeat Megatron. Optimus and Bumblebee "kill" Quintessa and Vivian gets the staff saving the day.

Optimus like he does in every movie gives his speech saying now Cybertron and Earth are connected and he invites all Transformers to come home to Cybertron.  Then in a mid credit scene we see some scientist look at pieces of Unicron when a woman shows up saying she can help them destroy the being... Yes, its Quintessa...  I thought this was going to be the last movie, no do not continue this!

The Good

• The Fights
• I mean when we did get action there were some nice fight scenes with the Transformers.  Optimus always came in hard like a boss "Don't you know who I am" He says after chopping the heads off a line of Quintessa's soldiers, "I'm Optimus Prime
• Bumblebee

• We get a little bit of his history again seeing that he has been on Earth for a long long time even fighting against the Nazi's.  
• He appears to be Cubix now as he can break apart and control his parts individually and come back together
• So there is suppose to ,be a spin-off move set in the 80's with him; just leave Michael Bay out of it, or reboot this universe...
• Anthony Hopkins and Cogman
• This duo was a highlight of the film creating some nice comedic moments
• The sets
• The scenes and backgrounds looked nice being filmed in IMAX
• Optimus Prime
• He wasn't in the move much, but when he was, he was an OG, one bad robot!

The Bad

• The Plot
• This movie was all over the place and did not fill like a transformers movie.
• As always, the humans are the stars and get the most screen time; the Transformers are minor characters in their on movie
• Same plot that has been in previous movies
• The Transformers
• Again Michael Bay has some of the transformers portray racist stereotypes
• Most are generic and if they are not named Optimus or Bumblebee, you forget who they are
• The Sexual Innuendos
• Classic Bay as we get a scene with Cade and Vivian trying to find a clue in her father's study to where the staff is and as they talk to the outside it sounds as if they are doing the do to her mother and her friends.
• Hot Rod
• Hot Rod, the young brash autobot that became leader after Optimus died in the generation 1 cartoon is now just a servant for lord Burton.
• He has a French accent

The Tech Worthy

• The Earth being Unicron
• Now this is an interesting idea and creates a whole new dynamic in the Transformers war.
• Cogman
• Robot headmaster and butler portrayed by Jim Carter who is basically being his character from downtown Abby (I have not watched the show, just read that online)

Tech Rating

How is this Franchise still going when its the same movie every time?  All I can say is if you like the four before it, then go see it.  If not, don't waste your time or money. If you take the beginning and end of the movie and take out the middle with all the human dram then you might have a decent movie.  Time for Michael Bay to step away and reboot this franchise and actually make it about the Transformers!

 (out of 5 because it was not as bad as The Mummy)